I have avoided flying lately because of all the hassles…getting to the airport, parking, running the security gauntlet, hours of boredom, and the high potential of catching something bad from the large person sitting next to me, taking up 1 and 1/2 seats, while drooling on my shoulder after falling asleep there.
The latest obstacle in taking to the air is the rising costs, since the airlines have now instituted extra charges for practically everything connected to your flight.
Have you taken an airplane anywhere lately? Not only do you have to buy a ticket, but you have to pay more for your luggage, headsets, fuel surcharge, diet coke, bag of peanuts, and snack pack (only offered on flights lasting more than 14 hours). Forget the days of a free meal and wine, unless you want to fly first class and pay an extra $500 for warmed-over chicken and flat champagne.
But now the airline have gone too far. On my last flight, they had installed pay toilets. That’s right…a lock on the door with slots for two quarters…and the attendants still don’t carry change. Passengers were offering other passengers jewelery, watches, their children, or sex in exchange for a handful of quarters.
So next time you fly, don’t forget to bring extra cash for your seat rental, overhead storage fee, barf bag, in-flight magazine, pillow, toilet paper, blanket, hand towels, access to your emergency air mask and life vest, and exit fee (otherwise they won’t let you off, and tack on an overnight sleeping fee, until your solicitor can get there with money in hand).
Anybody have a quarter I could borrow? I want to get my window cleaned (and I’ve already paid extra for this seat).
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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comic adventure novel, “Drafted” and the soon to be released political thriller, “Party Favors.”