I know you should never blog about sex, politics, or religion, especially when they all happen at the same time, but when I got a phone call this morning from Jesus Christ, I couldn’t resist telling you about it.
I’m sitting on the couch, doing my mental exercises, thinking up ways to get into trouble, when the phone rings. We get a lot of telemarketer calls (see some of my earlier blogs), so I always check the caller ID before I bother to answer.
What to do? There’s no time to look it up because after four rings, our phone goes to voice mail. What if it’s really Him? It would be very rude not to answer. But if it is Him, what does he want with me? I believe in God, but have my doubts about heaven, and haven’t been in church in several years (except for a horror film I did). Maybe that was it…He was calling to chastise me for not doing better.
I had read about priests who joined the priesthood after receiving “the calling,” but I never imagined it would come over a land line from Time Warner. No, that can’t be it, I’m not even an ex-Catholic. The phone rings a third time.
I’m not a young man any more, so maybe it was my calling home…time to go up to the pearly gates, and account for my deeds when I was alive. No that can’t be it either…I just had a physical and the doctor said I was fine. But what did a mere doctor know compared to Him?
I started writing down all the good deeds I could remember, so I didn’t forget anything when face-to-face with Saint Peter. My list was pretty short – once shared my cookie with a pretty girl in kindergarten, helped a little old lady across the street and onto a bus (how did I know she had just escaped from a nearby nursing home), and ….can I get extra credit for good intentions?
I took a deep breath and answered the phone. A disembodied voice spoke to me, “…We welcome you to join the Body of Christ. If interested call this number.” I hung up and looked up area code 669. It’s not heaven, it’s a new area code near San Francisco. (could it be a local branch office?)
Now I’m really confused. Was this a “moment” or just a church outreach program using new technology? If it was a religious group, how in heaven’s name did they get Jesus Christ’s caller ID?
I’m not taking any chances…the rest of this week, every old person I find is getting my help whether they need it or not.
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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy/adventure novel, “DRAFTED,” (amazon.com) and the soon to be released thriller, “Confidential Contact.”