Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Is Qualified For President

Hillary Clinton
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As we head into the home stretch of the 2016 presidential election, I thought it important to take a close look at the two leading candidates and review their qualifications for the highest office in the good old U.S.A. Today let’s begin with the democratic nominee, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  1. She is already very aware of all the secrets of the White House, including the alarm code, the location of the kitchen, how to board up the Kennedy Room to keep Bill out, where they hide the official stationary, and how to plan the menus for State Dinners.
  2. She has eight years experience as a US Senator from New York, a state she knew little about before she moved there to get elected (knowing it could never happen in Illinois or Arkansas). She got three major bills passed that she sponsored — naming a historic site, a post office, and a road, proving she is very good at naming things.
  3. She has four years international experience as Secretary of State under Obama (if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em). Continuing her hawkish ways in the Senate, where she voted to approve the war in Afganistan and for the Iraq resolution, she advocated the US military intervention in Libya, thereby achieving the trifecta of annoying most of the middle east. Adding to her international experience, Mrs. Clinton also has vacationed out of the US several times, called a friend in Rome once, and has a preference for French perfume.
  4. As First Lady in Arkansas, she learned all about southern cooking and can prepare homemade grits, roadkill, hog jowls, and collard greens without throwing up. If the presidential thing doesn’t work out she could open a restaurant in Hope called Monica’s Cafe.
  5. She is very smart about technology. As a Federal employee, she managed to set up private messaging system software and a private server that violated State Department protocols and procedures, and federal laws and regulations governing recordkeeping requirements and send unsecured secret messages for four years without getting caught. She also holds the Donkey Kong record score on the Secretary of State’s office PS-4.
  6. She is an author of five books and an experienced public speaker to corporations and Wall Street earning her thousands of dollars personally and in campaign funds (again she will be okay financially if the presidential and restaurant things don’t work out). A side benefit — as a writer she can compose her own acceptance speech, as well as her annual state of the union speeches, and fireside chats, thereby saving her and the taxpayer money, which can be applied to the increasing costs of Obama Care.
  7. She is a lawyer and will be able to represent herself in any future legal cases of violating Federal/state laws and or constitution issues, like abolishing the second amendment. Another cost savings for the taxpayer to counteract the millions of dollars going to fund liberal programs of supporting illegal immigrants with free education, medical care, welfare and 50% off coupons to Taco Bell.
  8. She is a “mature” woman, so taxpayers don’t have to worry about paying for six weeks of maternity leave (although she is already receiving social security payments, from a dwindling resource).
  9. She will get rid of Homeland Security so we can open up our borders to any and all people who want to come to this country without a passport or background check, giving them Federal jobs, a reasonable $100,000 stipend each to help them relocate, a get out of jail free card, and a lifetime subscription to the magazine, Terrorist International.
  10. Although claiming not to understand Bernie’s “socialism” or “religious” views, she still admires the man’s hippy protesting roots, because she and Bill were young and idealistic once in college. She plans to pardon Bernie if she is elected and not send him to Guantanamo to be with all his other comrades.bill and hillary

Please recognize the ten comments above are purely my personal opinion, are based on little to no facts, and do not reflect the opinions of management. They are presented in an attempt at humor and to bring a smile to your face if you are not a Democrat, any of the persons named, or a member of Congress. I plan to give equal time to lampooning Donald Trump…right after the election.

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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the adventure/comedy novel Drafted which is available at amazon.com and the upcoming political thriller, Identity Check.

Hillary Clinton’s Best Qualifications for President in 2016

bill and hillaryHillary Clinton, a liberal Democrat and Bill’s wife, was born in Chicago and raised a Methodist. She became the first First Lady in USA history to enter politics when she was elected as a Senator from New York, even though she had never lived there previously. She hopes to become the first woman president in our history and to coin the term “zillions” of dollars in national debt as she rolls out both new and old programs to redistribute this country’s net worth to everybody both here and abroad…at least until we are taken over by Russia or one of the many other aggressive world powers since our military will likely be broke and all our personal weapons removed so we have no way to defend ourselves.
Anyway, here are my suggestions on her best qualifications:
1. Yale Law Degree (like many of the other politicians running)
2. Eight Years in the White House (she already knows the alarm code & where the kitchen is located)
3. Eight Years in the US Senate where she co-sponsored all of three bills and had to rest after the effort.
4. Experience testifying in Washington about her e-mails, Benghazi, interns, super-PACs, wall street sponsored speeches, etc.
5. Loves to fly for free as the most-traveled Secretary of State in history visiting 112 countries during her four-year tenure, traversing 956,733 miles — enough to span the globe more than 38 times — and spending 401 total days on the road. (Not to mention all that tax-payer funded free food!)
6. She believes in same-sex marriage as long as it is between a man and a woman.
7. She believes in HUGE government, the more people on the dole, the better. Considering 100 cabinet positions and expanding the IRS to collect all the new taxes necessary to fund all the programs & support promised during the campaign.
8. Supports women’s rights including the right to wear pants suits for all occasions and having your partner carry your purse without making a face.
9. Supports your right to turn your recreational guns back into the government so they can redistribute to criminals & crazies who need them for work.
10. Loves Obamacare and supports every illegal alien’s right to free government health care as long as the rest of us pay for it.
11. Raised in a wealthy middle-class household, but served on the board of the corporation Wal-Mart, so she knows poor people, the downtrodden and poorly dressed.
12. Hates war but supported US invasions of Afganistan, Iraq, Lybia, Canada, and Colorado.
Don’t forget to VOTE!
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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy-adventure DRAFTED on amazon.com and former Washington DC lobbyist who also loves free travel & food.

My Dad, the President

Every time I write about something “political,” somebody gets upset. But my new novel, “Identity Check,” has politics as a central theme, so I might as well get use to it.

Pollsters predict that after all the smoke clears that the 2016 presidential election will likely offer Clinton vs Bush. Sound familiar? That would mean our latest series of presidents would be Bush (41st), Clinton (42nd), Bush (43rd), Obama (44th)….and then Bush or Clinton…again.

It got me to thinking about families in politics. Was George Bush and G.W. the first father/son in the White House? Nope…it was John Adams (2nd president) and his son, John Quincy Adams (6th president). john quincy adams

Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd president, was the grandson of William Henry Harrison, the 9th. Teddy Roosevelt (26th) and Franklin D. Roosevelt (32nd) were distant cousins. William Howard Taft (27th) had a son and grandson who were both U.S. Senators. And then there’s the Kennedy clan.

Having a recognizable name (or being related to one) has always helped in politics, as well as business or entertainment. Could a Diane Rodham (with Republican parents) get the Democratic presidential nomination? Maybe, but she has a much better chance as Hillary Diane Rodham-Clinton.Generated by  IJG JPEG Library

Jeb-BushYou need to remember the name to vote, but before you decide which box to check, look at the person behind the name and what they stand for. Don’t judge Jeb Bush on what his brother did, or Hilary Clinton based on her husband Bill’s popularity and accomplishments.

Most importantly, register, cast your opinion, and be part of the process. Who knows, it may be the start of your own political dynasty.

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richallan-300dpi-3125x4167 - CopyRichard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy/adventure, Drafted, and the upcoming political thriller, “Identity Check.”

 

My Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions For Other People

baby03Everyone knows you make and break New Year’s resolutions for several reasons:  lazy, forgetful, impossible, what was I thinking, etc. Many people do not even bother because we are bad at follow-up, but very good at making excuses…i.e. You promised to clean out the garage two years ago, but still claim you can’t find a decent broom.

So I decided this year to make NY resolutions for other people…resolutions that they should make for themselves, but will never do so. Once I publish these, it will be up to you to see that the person (s) keep their resolution and do it in a timely manner. Okay?  Here are my top ten:

1.  The Kadashians are to enter a witness protection program and never be heard from again.

2.  Democrats & Republican will merge and form the Unity Party saving billions of dollars in wasted time fighting each other and not getting anything done.

3.  Following that merger, Rush Limbaugh will lose all sense of purpose, quit his radio show, and join an African tribe that only eat the droppings of wildebeests.

4.  Kim Jong-un will realize he does have a sense of humor and will agree to appear in “The Interview” sequel, playing “Curly” from the Three Stooges.

5.  Conversely, James Franco and Seth Rogen decide to stop making low-class, potty/drug-induced non-funny films, and announce they are producing a re-boot of “Gone With The Wind,” and they would be playing Scarlet O’Hara and her evil twin sister.

6.  Fox News will be bought out by BET (Black Entertainment Network), everyone is fired, and the channel re-purposed to fictional stories about jazz and the blues.

7.  The movie studios will decide that featured background actors have been grossly slighted over the years and they will now receive credit in the titles for their contribution, because they are just as important as the guy who cleans up after the horses & camels, the food truck driver, and the second hairbrush holder for the real actors. (Okay, this one, I admit, was for me)

8.  The Golden Globes will change their current unknown selection process to a random drawing. Every producer or first cast actor who appeared in a film/TV show that year will put their name in a giant hopper and 50 names will be drawn at random. Show will still be televised because (much like previous shows) every time your name isn’t called, you have to do a shot. Everybody loves to see their favorite celebrity get smashed.

9.  The United Nations will now recognize all legitimate countries, and introduce a new conflict resolution process where the leaders of the countries in conflict will arm wrestle or play beer pong to select a winner. Loser backs off or is forced to sit in the corner until he/she agree to do so.

10. Ford and Chevy vow to fight the new open relationship with Cuba, fearing that if consumers find out how to keep their car working for 50 years, they will go out of business.

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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy/adventure novel, DRAFTED.

My First Novel
My First Novel

The Continuing Adventures of Edward Snowden and the NSA…

Don’t you find it ironic that Edward Snowden, the guy who blew the whistle on the government’s spying on all of our public communications (cell phones, computers, etc.), was able to disappear for several days? Didn’t he have to fill out an application & go through a security check to get the job?  How come the National Security Agency (NSA) can tell when I make a 900 call, but for several days couldn’t find somebody who works for them?  Maybe they should have hired Maxwell Smart to track him down…

ED NSA

Ed has now revealed his location…Hong Kong, although nobody knows exactly where. He is quoted as saying, “I have had many opportunities to flee HK, but I would rather stay and fight the United States government in the courts, because I have faith in Hong Kong’s rule of law.”

Really? Maybe Ed doesn’t know Great Britain pulled out of Hong Kong and it is now under China.  This is a country that used to drown girl babies and built a giant wall to keep foreigners out.

He may not have to worry about going to trial or being expedited back to America. According to Former Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex.), the government might use a drone missile to take him out.  “He’s a traitor,” said John Boehner, the Speaker of the House. The USA has been known to hang traitors in the past. Heaven help him if he decides to release the rest of the secret information he took on that jump drive.

Some people feel Snowden did the right thing by revealing this massive government surveillance effort to catch terrorists. The American Civil Liberties Union is suing the Obama administration over the NSA’s program of collecting phone and internet records, and is demanding the Obama administration end the program, and purge all the records collected.

1984-posterOne good thing has come out of this security snafu…sales of the infamous novel, 1984 by George Orwell, are soaring.

So, good luck buddy. Remember, you signed away your rights to talk about your work when you took that job…and now you have broken the law. Suggest you phone home, E.T., and do it quick. I think I hear a plane overhead…

Richard Allan Jones is the author of the novel, “Drafted,” and the soon to be released, “Party Favors.”

IRS “Search & Destroy” Squad Announced

May 20, 2013, Washington D.C.                                                                                                                    Image

For Immediate Release—

The President has announced the appointment of Will “no stone unturned” Johnston as head of the new “search and destroy” IRS squad. In explaining the rational of creating yet more bureaucracy in Washington, the chief executive said, “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before. The IRS has been so successful in the past, nailing gangsters, like Al Capone; entertainers, like Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes; and middle-class Americans, trying to scrape by. Now we can turn the wrath of the government on Republicans and the media. I can get whatever I want through Congress in record time.”

White House spokesperson, Seeit Myway, added, “We are tired of the news changing our press releases and telling the truth. That’s not what the people want to hear. Now if we catch wind of an unfavorable story, we can send in the IRS and threaten bankruptcy!”

Democratic chairman, Lefty Bygod, remarked, “This latest initiative is brilliant. We are always getting outspent by Republicans in political races. How can we get all our asses into office when those damn elephants have all the cash? Now all we have to do is send in the S&D squad and transfer their funds to us. We’ll never lose another election!”

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Footnotes:

1)  A.P. printed this wire story exactly as released, in its entirety, word for word, without any desperately needed rewrites or editorial comments under extreme financial duress.

2) Author remarks: Obviously, this is a poorly written satire on political current events and nothing like this could ever happen in America today…now could you please remove my phone tap and cancel the audit?

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Richard Allan Jones is an author, actor and musician who resides in the Los Angeles area. “Drafted” by Rich Allan is available at amazon.com. He appears in the upcoming HBO movie, “Behind the Candelabra,” and plays locals clubs with the 60s classic rock band, Revolution Road.

Taxation Without Representation

I hate April. I just dropped off my taxes at the post office, and it started me thinking about big government and the whole “fair share” process. Remember in 1773 when our forefathers got together and dumped tea in Boston Harbor to protest the concept of taxation without any say in how the money was spent?  Here we are in 2013, 240 years later….and nothing has changed. We still pay taxes without representation. Be honest, are you happy with how they spend your $$s in Sacramento or Washington? Did anybody ask your opinion?

Think about it. We send all this money to the state capitol and D.C., and then our representatives call us up and ask us how we would like our contributions to be spent…no, wait a minute, that’s not right. I don’t think my representative has ever contacted me. In fact, I’m not sure who they are (state or Federal). Do you know who your representatives are?  I’m sure I vote for somebody every two years, but can’t remember any names.

I know, you’re saying, I have to take some responsibility, look up who was elected, and make my feelings heard…and I have done that upon occasion. But it somehow feels like a drop in the ocean. You get a nice letter, thanking you for your suggestions, but your rep continues to vote the party line.

I protest. Now I don’t plan on dressing up like an Indian and dumping Texas tea (street value of $255 an ounce for the good stuff) into the Port of Los Angeles, or refusing to pay my taxes, but something needs to be done.

I have an idea. What if our local representatives, threw a big kegger party every year for all the voters in their district, the first Friday night after April 15th? They could meet all their constituents, we could learn their names, tell them what we support (or hate) in government, and at least get something for all that tax money.

If we could all write a letter and ask…who knows?9326220-the-democrat-and-republican-symbols-of-a-donkey-and-elephant-facing-off