Hillary Clinton’s Best Qualifications for President in 2016

bill and hillaryHillary Clinton, a liberal Democrat and Bill’s wife, was born in Chicago and raised a Methodist. She became the first First Lady in USA history to enter politics when she was elected as a Senator from New York, even though she had never lived there previously. She hopes to become the first woman president in our history and to coin the term “zillions” of dollars in national debt as she rolls out both new and old programs to redistribute this country’s net worth to everybody both here and abroad…at least until we are taken over by Russia or one of the many other aggressive world powers since our military will likely be broke and all our personal weapons removed so we have no way to defend ourselves.
Anyway, here are my suggestions on her best qualifications:
1. Yale Law Degree (like many of the other politicians running)
2. Eight Years in the White House (she already knows the alarm code & where the kitchen is located)
3. Eight Years in the US Senate where she co-sponsored all of three bills and had to rest after the effort.
4. Experience testifying in Washington about her e-mails, Benghazi, interns, super-PACs, wall street sponsored speeches, etc.
5. Loves to fly for free as the most-traveled Secretary of State in history visiting 112 countries during her four-year tenure, traversing 956,733 miles — enough to span the globe more than 38 times — and spending 401 total days on the road. (Not to mention all that tax-payer funded free food!)
6. She believes in same-sex marriage as long as it is between a man and a woman.
7. She believes in HUGE government, the more people on the dole, the better. Considering 100 cabinet positions and expanding the IRS to collect all the new taxes necessary to fund all the programs & support promised during the campaign.
8. Supports women’s rights including the right to wear pants suits for all occasions and having your partner carry your purse without making a face.
9. Supports your right to turn your recreational guns back into the government so they can redistribute to criminals & crazies who need them for work.
10. Loves Obamacare and supports every illegal alien’s right to free government health care as long as the rest of us pay for it.
11. Raised in a wealthy middle-class household, but served on the board of the corporation Wal-Mart, so she knows poor people, the downtrodden and poorly dressed.
12. Hates war but supported US invasions of Afganistan, Iraq, Lybia, Canada, and Colorado.
Don’t forget to VOTE!
*  *  *
Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy-adventure DRAFTED on amazon.com and former Washington DC lobbyist who also loves free travel & food.

Ten Steps to Reducing the National Debt

Been watching the Washington D.C. debates on the fiscal cliff, debt ceiling, social security, medicare, and distributing free pens after bill signings, and after many minutes of pondering, have come up with a plan upon which I believe both Congress and the President can agree. Granted this is only one person’s opinion. I do not have a law degree, nor have I ever served in public office (other than being elected vice president of the chess club in high school, but that gave me absolutely no political insights). Apparently, based on the C-Span shared congressional sessions, arguments, filibusters, and displays of bullheadedness & pouting, having no experience is actually a positive thing. So with that assurance, I plunged into drawing up my ten-step plan to reduce the national debt, improve the economy, and eliminate dandruff.

white-house-12700

1.  Put aluminum siding on the White House. Do you have any idea how much of your tax money is spent scraping, painting, repairing, and washing this huge home every year? According to Sears, it would cost me a fortune to repaint my little home, and the White House is 55,000 square feet. Besides aluminum siding is attractive, durable and comes with a guarantee. I know it’s called the White House, but I would suggest a dark brown siding because it doesn’t show the dirt as much.

2.  Eliminate the inauguration celebrations. Did you watch all the hoopla on TV the last few days? Let’s face it, it’s just a big blowout for the winning political party, so they can rub the loser’s nose in it one more time. Have the President-elect, and VP, drop by the chief justice’s office, swear on the bible, reciting the Boy Scout oath & the Ten Commandments, and then get to work.

3. Eliminate multiple terms.  Doing so we can get rid of the phrase “lame duck.” I see no reason to continue maiming waterfowl to indicate there is no reason for the politician to be there. This would cut down on election expenses, improve the focus of the politician on the job instead of constantly worrying about fund-raising & kissing ass, plus eliminate attending all those special interest group boondoggles, and lifetime politicians, who can’t remember where they left their keys. I suggest terms of six years for President and Senate, and four years for Representatives. Get these guys out of office, and see if they can find a real job in this economy.

4.  Reduce the number of cabinet members and their departments. George Washington only had four cabinet members: Secretary of State, Treasury, and War, plus Attorney General (everybody can use a good lawyer).  Today we have twenty-one cabinet-level officials with thousands of employees each. Department of Labor…really? Women have been having babies for years without Federal assistance. Department of Agriculture, why?  What percentage of our economy still comes from agriculture?  Besides that department must be doing a lousy job, based on the poor farmers’ plight for the last 100 years.

5.  Eliminate the current Federal income tax. First of all, they own the U.S. Mint and can print as much legal money as they want, so why do I have to send them mine? If that doesn’t work, I propose a flat tax of 10%. Nothing’s more fair than that. Everybody pays a reasonable percentage of their income, and we eliminate the muddled process the income tax has become, and the argument between Congress & the President on who has to pay more. I realize the IRS, H.R Block, several CPAs, and lawyers will have to be retrained as short-order cooks and Merry Maids, but it’s only fair after all the pain they put us through charging big fees to figure out how much of our money we had to give away.

6.  Introduce a national sales tax. I know nobody likes more taxes, but this will really work & it’s fair (and remember you are saving $$s on the flat income tax). States have been cashing in on this tax for years. Even the Feds have used it on gasoline to generate revenue for the Dept. of Transportation. Add a Federal 3% tax to all taxable items and the government could generate millions of dollars per month! If you are buying a Ferrari, you can afford another 3% to get the U.S. out of debt.

7.  Socialize Medicine. It works in a lot of countries around the world and there is no reason it can’t work here. Medical lawsuits and drug companies have driven up the cost of health care in this country, until nobody can afford it. Medicare is a joke and it is not funny.  Give everybody free hospitalization for serious stuff and we will cover the normal doctor’s visits.  Patients have to sign a legal waiver to get treatment…no private lawsuits, but criminal prosecution remains. Drug companies have to offer generic alternative products at a reasonable price.

8.  Grandfather the elimination of social security. Not sure what the government does with all the money that we and our employers have sent them over the years, but pretty sure their return on investment hasn’t reached an average annual 10% that most brokerage firms can generate. Starting in 2014, everyone age 40 & under, would have 4% of their wages, matched equally by their employer, automatically deposited in an investment vehicle of their choice, and would stop paying into social security. Have the existing social security portfolio privatized and managed by a firm with a proven track record. No checks issued. All direct deposit.

9.  Raise the prices on all vending machines in government buildings. Every little bit helps and politicians have too many perks already. Who else gets to buy a Diet Coke for only a quarter? 50% of every purchase will be kicked back to the Treasury Department.

10.  Improve the U.S. debt collection process. The U.S. loans out billions of dollars every year to countries around the globe who do not pay it back. We also should increase the interest rate on these loans to the same daily compounded 21% the rest of have to pay when we borrow money or use a credit card. I also suggest the FBI work with members of the mob, in exchange for immunity, of course, to handle the collection of this debt, as the mob has a certain reputation for getting their money back, plus outrageous interest.

Well, that’s it. If you agree, or not, feel free to pass along to your congressman or other important, influential officials. In the right hands, this plan could have us back on our feet as a nation in no time, and even generate enough extra cash to have a picnic, buy a candy bar, or mail a letter.  Rich Allan is the author of the new political thriller, “Party Favors,” coming to a Kindle near you soon.